(Warning: This article is satirical. If you don’t know what that means, you probably shouldn’t read it.)
By Michael Mann
I am making this list because I have noticed people were having trouble telling when to celebrate holidays. On this article, I will explain when it is appropriate to celebrate the major U.S. holidays, Easter, Fourth of July, Halloween, Valentines Day, Thanksgiving, St. Patric’s Day, Christmas, and New Years.
Ahh, Valentine’s day, the one day of where you tell your significant other that you love them. Celebrated February 14th of every year, right? Well, you are, unfortunately, right. It should be celebrated every day. Why dedicate a holiday to tell someone you love them when you should do that every day of every year for the rest of your life? Same with Mother’s Day, if you love your mother, why not just tell her every freaking day that you appreciate her! I mean the only reason either of these holidays exists is so you give your money to companies to buy a useless trinket that your mother/significant other will forget about in a week.
Easter is very easy to tell when you celebrate, it will be held on the first Sunday after the first full moon occurring on or after the vernal equinox, very simple people, come on, it’s so easy people!
Fourth of July
Believe it or not, this is a very common misconception. Fourth of July is obviously celebrated, say it with me, ON THE 26th OF JANUARY! It’s the same day every single year come on people, what is so hard about knowing that we celebrate our country’s birth on the twenty-sixth of January, I mean people literally blow stuff up all night long.
Pretty much everyone knows when to celebrate this, every single day of October except for the 31st. Like yeah, Captain Obvious here, but there are still a few people who celebrate Halloween only on the 31st. Weirdos.
A lot of people have been celebrating this day on the fourth Thursday of November. Well that is no longer the case. It has been changed to the 31st of February of each year, spread the word, even though I think everyone knows it already.
And we move onto the absolute best holiday of them all, St. Patr… I mean Christmas. Lately, people have actually been celebrating this correctly from October 31st to December 25th. Props to you guys.
New Year’s Day
“New Year’s Day, wonder what stupid answer he’s going to give in hopes of making us laugh?” you may ask. Well, read on and find out instead of asking questions to yourself. We celebrate New Year’s Day on New Year’s Eve. Before you hate comment and call me an idiot (which you may do regardless), think about this. People party, waiting for the new year to come, and once it comes, guess what happens… THE PARTIES END. Seriously, all New Year parties I’ve ever gone to ended around an hour after midnight.
For those people who drink certain drinks (I won’t say what drinks in case a kid is reading this), you party until you barf, and then join in on the 10-second countdown, sometimes light fireworks, then party for maybe an extra hour. After it’s all said and done, you go home and sleep until 12:00 in the afternoon. You then spend the rest of that day trying to remember what happened the prior night and that’s it. No more parties relating to a new year until next New Year’s Eve.
If you’re wondering, yes, I actually think this list has some truth to when people typically celebrate holidays. Seriously, I can almost guarantee that you started to celebrate Halloween the second the clock struck 12:00 A.M. on October 1st. Maybe you also decided to celebrate it on the 31st. Either way, this is all satirical, so as long as you got halfway entertained (or irritated), my job has been fulfilled.