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How To Start A Successful Cult

(warning: this article is satire)

By Michael Mann

Step 1: Find something you are obsessed with.

The first and most obvious step is find something you really really love, love so much you can say you’re obsessed with it. It can be many different things a toy, a game, or even a T.V. Show.

Source: Huffington Post

Step 2: Find other people to join your group.

What’s a cult with just one person? I suggest gathering around at least 10 people to really make your cult strive.

This is a good amount of people to have. Also, notice how the pale green squid in the far left has hearts for eyes. Source: Buzzfeed

Step 3: Make matching outfits.

How are you supposed to know who is a worshiper and who isn’t if you don’t all wear the same outfit? I suggest making your outfits creative and not just normal wear, or you may accidentally bring a “normy” in your sophisticated gathering.


Actual picture of Normies crashing a cult gathering, which explains the low quality. Source: Wikipedia

Step 4: Have an arranged date and place to meet up.

Probably the most important rule of having a cult, arrange a place and date when to meet with your cult. How are you supposed to discuss the good word of the thing you are worshiping without meeting up with your group? I suggest somewhere that shows that it’s a cult meet-up. I mean why meet-up if no one knows that it’s a place of worship. I also suggest having a good time, something like twice a week once on Sunday morning and another time on Wednesday night, all good cults take place on those days.

Seriously, SpongeBob is just nailing the correct ways to be part of a cult! Source: Freemasonry

Step 5: Enjoy your successful cult and only allow a select few people to join in the future.

And lastly, keep your cult pure and only allow the most dedicated people and family members of people in your cult to join in the future and sit back and watch your cult flourish.

Source: Wikipedia



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